The Post I’ve Been Afraid to Share

The Post I’ve Been Afraid to Share

I've started writing this post so many times. Truthfully, I've been afraid to share it… but I’m ready to share now that for the last four months, I've been struggling with postpartum depression.

One of the biggest reasons I've hesitated to say that publicly is because of my job. Real estate is built on trust; people trust me with their homes, their money, their families, and some of the biggest decisions they'll ever make. The last thing I wanted was for someone to read the words "postpartum depression" and question whether I'm still capable of doing my job…

I am.

But I've also realized that being capable doesn't mean everything has to be easy. And pretending I'm fine when I'm not isn't the kind of person (or REALTOR®) that I want to be.

If you've followed me for a while, you probably know how much I love what I do. Real estate has never just been a job to me. It's been a huge part of my identity. For years, I've prided myself on always being available. Answering the phone, replying to the text, solving the problem, showing up. In fact, while I was in the delivery room, wearing a hospital gown, bouncing on a yoga ball through contractions, I was still answering messages from a past client. At the time, I laughed about it. Now I look back and realize... that wasn't dedication. It was pressure. Pressure I had put on myself to prove that I could still be the same Real Estate Agent, while also becoming a mom.

I think part of that came from looking around at all of the incredible women in this industry. There are so many successful agents, business owners, and leaders who are also amazing mothers. I'm certainly not reinventing the wheel here - women I know on a very personal level do this every day. But that's also a lot to feel like you have to live up to. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that if they could do it, I should be able to do it all too. AND make it look easy.

Then Lucy arrived.

I expected to be tired. I expected the sleepless nights. I expected motherhood to be hard. I didn't expect postpartum depression. One of the hardest parts for me was breastfeeding. I'd heard so many women describe it as this beautiful bonding experience, and to be honest, that was just NOT my experience. Instead, I often felt detached… numb…. I'd be looking at this beautiful little girl that I had created, and instead of feeling the way I thought I was supposed to feel, I found myself wanting to think about anything but her. That's incredibly difficult for me to admit. I love her more than anything, but in those moments, I couldn't understand how I could love someone so deeply and still feel so disconnected. And the guilt that came with that was overwhelming.

That's what postpartum depression can look like. It doesn't always look like crying all day. Sometimes it looks like smiling in pictures while feeling empty inside. Sometimes it looks like answering work messages because focusing on a client feels easier than sitting with emotions you can't explain. I kept telling myself I just needed more sleep. That tomorrow would be different. Eventually, I realized I needed help.

I'm sharing this because I know I'm not the only one, and because this experience has changed me. It's taught me that my worth isn't measured by how quickly I answer a text message. My clients deserve someone who is present, honest, and healthy. Not someone who's running herself into the ground trying to be everything to everyone. I'm still every bit as committed to my clients and my career. But I'm learning that being good at my job doesn't require sacrificing myself to prove it.

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And to Lucy...

If you ever read this one day, I hope you know that none of this was because of you. You were never the reason I struggled. You were, and always will be, the greatest gift I've ever been given. I hope one day you'll know how deeply I loved you, even on the days my mind tried to convince me I wasn't enough.

You are worth every hard day, every tear, and every step of healing. I love you more than words will ever be able to say. 🤍